What the hell? You can watch hockey on Yahoo?

So I just found out that Yahoo Sports shows live NHL games for free.  Not only that, but they’ve got previously intertron-televised games availible too.  So yeah, I thought I’d share that.  The Avs are gonna be on Yahoo Sports NHL-Intertron-TV on October 23 at 7:30 mountain time, and I’ll be tuning in.

Here’s the schedule

Go Rockies.

Saving Hockey

I was browsing the internets today when I came across a post about Fantasy Hockey saving the NHL. While I agree that Fantasy Hockey systems could be improved to help fans get hooked on hockey, the percentage of fans that even play fantasy sports for any league is small compared to TV viewership. Making hockey fun to follow is helpful, but increased viewership is what makes it worthwhile to advertisers (and ESPN) and therefore profitable. I love hockey, so I’ve put a lot of thought into what could be done to save the sport. Here’s my list of far-fetched and feasible ideas that could return hockey to the glory days.

1. Fire Gary Bettman, hire Wayne Gretzky. Gary Bettman should absolutely not have a job. In fact, he shouldn’t have been hired in the first place. He’s not a hockey man, and he’s killed the league with two lockouts at critical times and insane franchise and TV moves. I’ve even read conspiracy theories that David Stern convinved the NHL to hire Bettman because he knew Gary would ruin the sport, leaving the basketball as America’s top third sport.

Meanwhile, Gretzky was more convincing as commissioner of the Bubble Hockey League than Bettman has ever been in the NHL post. Screw the betting scandal: Wayne’s still the NHL’s only household name, a smart guy and more than anything, a hockey guy. You’ve got to promote your stars, and Gretzky should be the NHL foreman.

2. Play games earlier. Games start anywhere from 7 - 8 local time, which is already too late for a sporting event, and makes it impossible for East Coast fans to watch their teams when they head west. I know the NHL wants to avoid scheduling conflicts with other prime time events, but that just begs of desparation. If you aren’t the top ticket in prime time, pretend you are. All games should start from 6-6:30pm local time weekdays, and 4:00pm on Saturday. No one wants to be watching TV as late as 9pm on a Saturday, they want to be out partying. Saturday afternoon games are perfect for filling the spot between college football and hitting the clubs.

3. Simplify Sunday. I know I just said that hockey should pretend they’re the number one sport, but Sunday is a different story. Instead of multiple games at 1pm and Sunday night, the NHL should play just one, nationally-televised game on Sunday. They should play it opposite the late NFL game at 4pm Eastern and coordinate it with the NFL schedule so teams in the Sunday game aren’t competing with cross-town NFL franchises playing at the same time. It probably violates their contract with the NFL, but if at all possible, NBC should carry the “National Game” as the lead-in to Sunday Night Football. It goes without saying that the National Game should feature a steady diet of Malkin, Crosby and Ovechkin.

4. Shorten the schedule. 82 is way too many games. It makes each game less valuable as a spectator event and allows fans to ignore bits of the season instead of being forced to focus on every single match. Plus, and here’s the meat of the issue, the Stanley Cup is played far too late. No one wants to think about hockey, much less attend a game, once the weather warms up and the baseball season starts. The Stanley Cup finals should end no later than March 31, which means cutting the season down to something like 60 games and implementing my next point.

5. Playoffs?! Are you kidding me? Sending more than half the league to the playoffs is a joke. I know the NHL wants to reward fans in small markets with lots of playoff bids, but 16 teams makes it far too easy to get to the playoffs. It rewards mediocre play, and frankly, gives fans little to be proud of unless their team makes the conference finals. Meanwhile, because it’s so easy, fans of teams who don’t make the playoffs have a hard time seeing the bright points and tend to jump the shark after unsuccessful seasons at a higher rate than other sports.

Contrast that to the MLB, where only eight teams (or 26.6%) make the playoffs, and you see why fans get so excited for the baseball post season. I would convert hockey to a similar eight-team bracket, with a first round, conference finals round and Stanley Cup finals round, all best-of-seven series. Like the current NHL format, the division winners should get an automatic ticket to the playoffs as seeds 1-3, with the fourth drawn from the best of the remaining teams.

6. Ditch the zone. I hate the trapezoid, even though I like calling it the trapezone. I’m not a big proponent of math in general, but geometry is my worst subject, so including weird shapes on the rink to create arbitrary boundaries for the goalie doesn’t make a lot of sense to me. It sounds like a protectionary rule you might see in youth roller hockey, but not appropriate for the big kids’ game. If you want to decrease the goalie’s impact on the game, let players check them when they venture out of the crease. They’re already wearing more padding than anyone else, they can take it if they want to play out of the crease area.

7. Shoot from the right angles. One of the best things the NHL can do to get fans interested is show them how complex and fast and beautiful the game really is. To do this, they need to get “inside the glass,” as it were, with some new camera angles that bring TV viewers closer to the action. Obviously, last year’s rail cam experiment was a total dud. It’s too shaky and there’s no real sense of depth when you’re shooting from the side. That said, the NHL needs to keep experimenting with how they film hockey, because current camera angles just don’t do the game justice.

8. Widen the playing field. The NHL should adopt the international rink size. It gives players more room to work with and therefore more creative plays and more scoring. Fans love olympic hockey, and the NHL could do well by copying some of the game’s international mystique, which brings me to my next point.

9. Count up, not down. When the NHL records goals, they record them as being scored in the fifth or the 12th minute, and yet the clock counts down, not up, meaning those are realy minutes 15 or 8. This is confusing for new fans and forces people like me to struggle with unnecessary math. The NHL should count up, like in international hockey, both to make it easier on fans and capture some of the mystique of international hockey and soccer. Speaking of which, foreign soccer fans might be more willing to adopt the NHL if the timing system was similar.

10. It’s the marketing, stupid. Back when hockey was “The Coolest Game on Earth,” it was the coolest game on Earth. It also had some of the coolest commercials. MyNHL is by far one of the worst slogans and marketing campaigns ever. It has no energy, no life, and the commercials themselves are just bad. They look like the product of student filmmakers, not a major sports league. If I was the NHL, I would fire my ad firm and hire just about anyone else. I would also start a series of hockey commercials based on the trailers for “Flags of Our Fathers” and “Letters from Iwo Jima,” with the league’s superstars talking candidly, on camera, about other superstars with dramatic highlights from classic games mixed in. Think about it: Hockey is a foreigner’s game, it’s a fast game, it’s a beautiful game with tons of tradition and history, and most importantly, really smart, articulate, humble, respectful and usually funny players people can identify with. That’s something you can market, and done the right way, it should be really intriguing to US audiences.

To make matters worse, companies aren’t really putting a lot of effort into hockey-themed commercials anymore, which is also a problem. I remember watching Avs games back before the lockout just to see the latest Hockey Falls commercial. If I was the NHL, I would do anything to get commercials like those back, even giving Bud Light and other vendors steep discounts to run them. They made hockey personal and made every minute of a game fun to watch. If nothing else, the NHL should buy the rights to Hockey Falls and other famous campaigns and use them as new marketing campaigns. Even though this is the “new” NHL, people have fond memories of hockey’s past, and seeing that stuff around again could draw them back in.

So that’s my rant. The Rockies are in the World Series, which is super exciting, but I wanted to touch one something else while we have a few days off. Hopefully the NHL will still be alive and kicking the next time the Rockies win the pennant. If not, well, I’m always open to take the commissioner’s job…call me.

The Patriots hate fun

So I’m sitting here in Boston waiting for the Rockies game to start, and I’m forced to watch the Patriots dominate the Dallas Cowboys. It occurs to me that they are absolutely ridiculous. They are so good that they’re not even fun to watch. Football is no longer fun to watch. Every other team in the league is playing for who will get to lose to the Patriots in either the AFC Championship game or the Superbowl. They’re sucking all the fun out of football, and by extension, life. They are, in a word, the antichrist of football; opponents of parity, excitement and everything else the modern sporting world stands for. We can only hope that an act of God will strike Tom Brady down before the apocalypse, or else I fear this world is doomed. Pray for this, people.

Props to you, Rick in Santa Fe

Rick in Santa Fe, you are a Higher Being of comedy. Take a look at this comment on Will Leitch’s Fair and Foul blog at the New York Times:

The humidor & the Higher Being have nothing to do with the unbelievable run that the Rockies are having [...] If the Guy Above is blessing the Rockies with their winning ways, then they’re going to be in the World Series. No doubt. Go Rockies! Perhaps the Higher Being can end the war too without installing a humidor in Iraq.

For the record, my comments on yet another article citing the Rockies’ supposed clubhouse faith policy:

The Christianity angle thing has got to stop. All the Rockies players have said that the report in USA Today was totally wrong, and none of them know how USA Today came to any of those conclusions. There’s no ban on Playboys, and the players have continually said that there is never a bible out in the open in he clubhouse. Jason Hirsch, a Jew, was questioned about this and said he has never felt any pressure or any religious tension in the clubhouse, but that it was the nicest and most accepting group of guys he had ever played with.

Rick, President Bush is wondering if he can use your humidor idea, so please call him back.

Attention Cole Hamels

Today would be a good day for sleeves. It’s going to be cold and wet, possibly even 35 degrees and snowing at gametime today. Welcome to October baseball in Colorado. I still envy the fans who get to go to this game, but the weather does make my exile to Boston slightly more bearable. I’ll drink a hot chocolate for you.

Also, like I said in a Purple Row thread, props to anyone who can predict the first national media member to use snow as an example of why we shouldn’t play baseball in Denver. I’m going for Ken Rosenthal, who turned in this fantastic line today:

If Red Sox-Indians disintegrates a seven-game slugfest, it will benefit the representative from the junior varsity — er, National League.

Slip of the — er, fingers, surely.

Thanks to Jordan for the Rosenthal link.

Boston: Fear the Juggernaught

Yes, I realize the Rockies have to win two more games against the Diamondbacks to advance to the World Series. The Red Sox have to win three. But Red Sox fans are already looking ahead to what seems to be the likely WS matchup, so I thought I would too. I go to school in Boston. My dorm is literally right across the street from Fenway. I can hear the crowd react to plays before the TV shows me, so I think I can pretty accurately say that they’re fucking terrified of the Colorado Rockies.

Here’s how I know. Last week it was, “oh, cool, the Rockies, what a surprise, mid-market team winning, lolz, how cute.” This week, in the traditional Boston fashion, everyone is being a total asshole about the Rockies. But you know what, it’s cool. I understand. If there was a chance my team had to face the Rockies in the World Series, I’d be scared shitless too.

Don’t you dare touch Tulo

If Tulo gets slid into, hit by a pitch, or otherwise jobbed by a D-Backs player in today’s game, I’m calling shenanigans. Last night, Troy had some words for Arizona rookie Justin Upton, who stared down Jeff Francis after being hit by a 77 MPH off-speed pitch, and rightly so. Justin, it’s the seventh inning of the first game of the NLCS, with Jeff “no emotion” Francis protecting a 4-run lead. He was not trying to hit you. All you’re going to do is work yourself up and get into trouble. Justin, you’re still fuming at first base, calm down. Justin, you’re staring at Kaz Matsui like you’re a bull and he’s wearing Sedona red. Justin, what kind of a slide was that? You just cost your team an out and a runner on third. I told you getting all emotional was a bad idea. And so on.

Point is, Troy, look out tonight. I trust the D-Backs (and their fans) about as far as I can throw a water bottle.

N L C S

Not much to say here, sitting expectantly on the edge of the eye of the storm. I guess there hasn’t been too much of a media blitz over the series, but that’s to be expected, because didn’t you know, this is the Real Actual Series for Third Place? It’s true. The AL is so much more talented than the NL, that even though the winner of the RASTP technically gets to play for the championship, they’re really just the league’s third-best, maybe even fifth-best team. But enough with these truisms, let’s talk about the NLCS, but only because I’m being forced to.

For once, the Rockies are favorites to win. This is a really scary prospect. The Rockies have not once played with any kind of favoritism in, oh, probably the last 12 years. Meanwhile, the Diamondbacks, like the Rockies, have thrived living in the shadows all season. Do I dare say that the Rockies being named favorites, actually favors the Diamondbacks? Will the fact that the Rockies are expected (underlined, italicized and bolded for added “holy shit!” value) to win put some kind of new pressure on these guys that they’ll be unable to cope with? Will I actually answer these rhetorical questions?

Yes. There are two ways to look at it. On the one hand, you could say this is just another form of adversity, and the team has done well in the face of it all season, and by the way they won 17 out of 18 and are the hottest thing next to the sun or haven’t you heard? On the other hand, the Rockies are favored to go to the World Series. This is so bizarre and wrong and “I think I see the Four Horsemen coming (shut up, Snake Pitters)” that the Rox might want to cancel batting practice in favor of a meditation session to get all the energy flowing like it was during the NLDS. If only we were Buddha’s team instead of Jesus’.

Maybe the Rockies can salvage some of their retreating underdogness by reading some of the ludicrous stuff being written about this series. They’re still only favored to lose the World Series to the dominant and much better force that comes out of the AL. In fact, if the media could convince the MLB, the Rockies and Diamondbacks would be declared co-losers of the NLCS. Unfortunately, they had to name someone as the favorite, and for once, it’s us. For once, let’s hope they’re right.

Hockey Started?

When did this happen? I’m actually sort of excited for the season, probably because I’m at college in Minnesota. Anyway, I guess this is a PSA. Intertron users: the NHL has started. For more information visit www.nhl.com. Now without further ado, here is Snoop Dogg talking about his love of hockey.

p.s. The players are wearing new jerseys that make them look like indie rockers. Don’t be alarmed, this is officially sanctioned.

Just kidding

Turns out the bad vibes were caused by excessive sugar consumption. Candy corn, it gets you every time. More on the NLCS that the East Coast media can’t even wrap their minds around (well, I don’t know, I’ve never heard of these teams before) later. But here’s a hint: prepare for a lot more commentary on the developing “Eric Byrnes is always high” story. I’m really enjoying developing it.