By Sam Handler | Saturday December 15th 2007, 10:54 am
I’m back from college for six weeks (Carleton is on trimesters), and I got a job at a movie theater to help pass the time/earn some money. Up until last night, I didn’t like the job very much. I was bored most of the time when I was at the theater, usually reading for most of my shift. That all changed Friday night. A reenactment of my internal dialogue:
This job is boring. This job is boring. This job is boring. Oh shit, customers. At least I’ll have something to do. Why is that old guy saying “I’ve met you a few times, I’m Steve?” to that guy? “Nice to see you.” How is this man answering that with such poise? He clearly doesn’t know who Steve is. What did Steve just say about a California boy in Colorado? Woops, customers. Whoa. WHOA. HOLD THE PHONE. Is that? Who is that? NO! NO WAY!
I say “What can I get for you?” He says “2 for Into the Wild.” WHOA JOHN LYNCH IS SEEING AN ARTSY MOVIE. Should I tell him nice game? He did have a big hit. But we lost, he’s probably here for an escape. I don’t want to be that guy. I won’t say anything about that. I say “any popcorn, candy, soda, beer, wine?” He says “Uhhhh. Can I have some red vines, and what do you want (to wife).” “I’ll have some Dots and um…a medium…um…can I get three quarters Diet Pepsi one quarter Diet Dr. Pepper?” YEAH YOU CAN, I’LL MAKE JOHN LYNCH’S WIFE ANY CRAZY DRINK SHE WANTS. “Yup. That it for you?” John Lynch says “Can I have a small Sierra Mist too?” “Yup.” So I get ‘em their snacks etc, then John Lynch hands me his silver AmEx, which I covertly inspect for his name. HOLY CRAP JOHN LYNCH DOESN’T HAVE A WALLET OR A MONEY CLIP, HE JUST WRAPS 20 DOLLAR BILLS AROUND HIS IMPORTANT CARDS. WHAT A GENIUS. Not a black card? Really? Oddly enough, the card reader doesn’t like his AmEx. So he gives me another one, which works fine. John Lynch is signing a credit card receipt. Whoa. John Lynch’s autograph. Should I ask him for one? No, I don’t want to be that guy. John Lynch walks away. HOLY CRAP JOHN LYNCH! Was I taller than John Lynch? That’s not possible…I think I was! I’m as tall as John Lynch, maybe taller!
He came back for a medium popcorn. The other guy working asked for his autograph.
So to recap, John Lynch likes Red Vines, Sierra Mist, medium popcorns, and John Krakauer novel adaptations. He also dislikes wallets and money clips. I’m roughly John Lynch’s height, though I’m not as ferocious a hitter.
By Sam Handler | Friday December 14th 2007, 12:30 am
If Denny Neagle was using steroids, then why was he soliciting prostitutes? I mean, if steroids shrink a man’s normal-sized balls to M and M proportions, wouldn’t his sex drive go down? I probably just have an inadequate knowledge of the reproductive system, but from a layman’s view, something doesn’t fit here. That’s what she said. So Denny Neagle must have had a massive sex drive to start with or something. That, or he’s got an airtight defense lined up for a libel suit against Mitchell.
By Gabe Stein | Thursday December 13th 2007, 2:46 pm
None of the big names currently on the Rockies have been outed by the Mitchell report, which was released today. However, the following current and former Rockies players and personnel have been cited. I’m also including a list of people who mentioned in the report who had ties to the cited Rockies players. Position and year is relevant to the players’ tenure with the Rockies. Unless otherwise stated, the players mentioned did not cooperate with the investigation.
Bobby Estalella, Catcher, 2002-03 Substances: HGH, Clomid Sources: Greg Anderson Circumstances: Started using HGH and Clomid when recovering from shoulder surgery in 2002, as recommended by Greg Anderson. Notes: Dodgers scouts noted in 2003 that Estalella was a “poster boy for the chemicals.”
Larry Bigbie, Outfielder, 2005 Substances: Deca-Durabolin, testosterone, Sustanon, anti-estrogen drugs, HGH Sources: David Segui, Kirk Radomski Circumstances: Started using Deca-Burabolin, testosterone, and Sustanon in 2001 in an attempt to be more competitive on advice from David Segui. Switched to HGH in 2004 on advice from Kirk Radomski. Notes: Bigbie has been cooperating with investigators, and noted specifically that he did not use substances during his sting with the Rockies.
Jack Cust, Outfielder, 2002 Substances: Unknown Sources: Larry Bigbie Circumstances: Was at least taking steroids by 2003. Notes: Bigbie’s locker was next to Cust’s at Baltimore’s AAA Ottawa. Cust admitted to Bigbie that he had been taking steroids and could obtain anything he wanted from an unnamed source. Bigbie mentioned Cust’s name to federal agents as a part of his cooperation with the investigation.
Greg Zaun, Catcher, 2003 Substances: Deca-Durabolin, Winstrol Sources: Kirk Radomski, Luis Perez Circumstances: Jason Grimsley referred Zaun to Kirk Radomski in 2001. Luis Perez also claimed to have supplied Zaun with steroids in 2002. Notes: Radomski never actually spoke to Zaun, but did receive orders on his behalf and checks from Zaun.
Glenallen Hill, Coach, 2007-Present Substances: HGH, Sustanon Sources: Kirk Radomski Circumstances: There are differing accounts. Kirk Radomski claims to have met Hill socially in 2000 and sold him several HGH kits. Hill says he bought Sustanon from Radomski after being referred to him by a player named “David.” Notes: Hill was required to submit to interview for the investigation because he is a current MLB employee. He claims to have never actually taken the substances he received from Radomski because he was too busy dealing with “marital stress” at the time, and retired from baseball only a few years later.
Denny Neagle, Pitcher, 2001-03 Substances: HGH, various anabolic steroids Sources: Kirk Radomski, Dan McGinn Circumstances: Neagle met Kirk Radomski in New York in 2000. Neagle ordered from Radomski several times between 2000 and 2004. Notes: One order was from Dan McGinn, former Rockies clubhouse attendant, who sent a check to Radomski on behalf of Neagle.
Ron Villone, Pitcher, 2001 Substances: HGH Sources: Kirk Radomski, Denny Neagle Circumstances: Rockies pitcher Denny Neagle referred Villone to Kirk Radomski in 2001. Villone made three purchases between 2004 and 2005. Notes: Villone tried to by HGH in 2006, after the federal investigation had searched Radomski’s home. Radomski told Villone he was dry.
Mike Lansing, Second Base, 1998-2000 Substances: HGH, testosterone Sources: Kirk Radomski, David Segui Circumstances: David Segui referred Lansing to Kirk Radomski between 1995 and 1997. Lansing ordered testosterone and HGH on February 5, 2002. Notes: Kirk Radomski’s address book, which was seized by federal investigators in 2006, contained Lansing’s name and the address of a Colorado residence where Lansing lived when he played for the Rockies.
Kent Mercker, Pitcher, 2002 Substances: HGH Sources: Kirk Radomski Circumstances: Mercker ordered one kit of HGH from Kirk Radomski in 2002 when he was recovering from surgery. Notes: 2002 is the year Mercker played on the Rockies.
Matt Herges, Pitcher, 2007-Present Substances: HGH Sources: Kirk Radomski, Paul LoDuca Circumstances: Paul LoDuca referred Herges to Kirk Radomski. Herges made several orders between 2004 and 2005. Notes: Herges called Radomski after the investigation asking for more HGH. Radomski replied that he was dry. Herges was an integral part of the Rockies’ 2007 run to the world series, becoming one of their most effective middle-inning relievers after his July call-up. The Rockies recently signed Herges to a one-year contract worth $2.5 million.
Gary Bennett Jr., Catcher, 2001-02 Substances: HGH Sources: Kirk Radomski, Denny Neagle Circumstances: Bennett was referred to Kirk Radomski by Denny Neagle. Bennett made one order for HGH in July 2003.
By Gabe Stein | Thursday December 13th 2007, 12:59 pm
Got in some trouble recently with an obnoxious driver when I was trying to “be a responsible person taking a cab.” Now I can’t take cabs, but I still want to be responsible and not drive home after my frequent nights of drunken fun. That’s where you come in?
Qualifications:
-Responsible
-Valid Colorado driver’s license
-Know who Todd Sauerbrun is
-Don’t mind light physical abuse
-Turn off the stereo when told
-Comfortable working with criminals
Meet me outside the Cherry Cricket at 2am this Friday, bring resume. If I wake up at home instead of in a cell, you’ve got the job!
By Sam Handler | Monday December 10th 2007, 6:48 pm
Todd Sauerbrun was cited for “general assault” on Saturday and apparently spent some time in detox, which I find hilarious. Who else could it have been though? Try to name one player Broncos player more likely to be cited for “general assault.” Exactly. Wouldn’t you figure the more violent players to be more criminally inclined? Todd Sauerbrun and Sebastian Janikowski probably have a criminal kicker convention every offseason btw.
By Sam Handler | Wednesday December 05th 2007, 9:37 am
Travis Henry isn’t gonna be suspended for drug abuse next year, which is a definite positive. In reviewing this NFLPA story about his legal battles, it’s apparent that Henry got off the hook by attacking technicalities in the drug policy, rather than proving he didn’t do drugs. Basically, he’s being let go because an “expert of [his] choosing” wasn’t present at the initial, incriminating drug test. Apparently Henry also did an independent polygraph and hair test to prove he was innocent and gain Mike Shanahan’s support, but I’m not buying it. If the internet is to be believed, both of those tests can be beaten. Plus, look at how short Travis Henry’s hair is:
Just saying.
Relatedly:
Travis Henry played some nose guard in high school and was a Bills fan despite growing up in Florida. Nose guard? Really?
By Sam Handler | Friday November 23rd 2007, 4:58 pm
Former Rocky pitcher Joe Kennedy died this morning in his Florida home. Details on the cause of his death are elusive, but I’ve heard speculation of aneurysm/heart failure. Kennedy put in a superb year with the Rox in 2004, and I think he had the biggest curveball I’ve seen thrown at a mile high. Anyway, ESPN has more on the story here. He and his family are in our thoughts and prayers.
By Gabe Stein | Wednesday November 21st 2007, 9:14 am
I’m glad I caught one of the rare Frank TV commercials during the NLCS, because otherwise I might not have known that it premiered last night. But it did, and let me tell you, that is one awesome show. It relates both to an older, Seinfeld-loving generation and to the future generations watching in 2027. It’s also timely, because nothing says Thanksgiving like Madden-inspired Turducken jokes.
To be honest, I turned it off shortly after 11:15 - not because it was stale and pointless, because I don’t want to get hooked on another show; as Sam would say, my vigorous TV-watching schedule is already jam-packed with stuff, and Battlestar Galactica Razor is coming up on Saturday and all. But if there was one show I would add if I had time, it would be this one. For the record, I thought that part where Frank took the dude from the audience and laid down on his lap on the couch was hilarious.
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