By Sam Handler | Saturday December 15th 2007, 10:54 am
I’m back from college for six weeks (Carleton is on trimesters), and I got a job at a movie theater to help pass the time/earn some money. Up until last night, I didn’t like the job very much. I was bored most of the time when I was at the theater, usually reading for most of my shift. That all changed Friday night. A reenactment of my internal dialogue:
This job is boring. This job is boring. This job is boring. Oh shit, customers. At least I’ll have something to do. Why is that old guy saying “I’ve met you a few times, I’m Steve?” to that guy? “Nice to see you.” How is this man answering that with such poise? He clearly doesn’t know who Steve is. What did Steve just say about a California boy in Colorado? Woops, customers. Whoa. WHOA. HOLD THE PHONE. Is that? Who is that? NO! NO WAY!
I say “What can I get for you?” He says “2 for Into the Wild.” WHOA JOHN LYNCH IS SEEING AN ARTSY MOVIE. Should I tell him nice game? He did have a big hit. But we lost, he’s probably here for an escape. I don’t want to be that guy. I won’t say anything about that. I say “any popcorn, candy, soda, beer, wine?” He says “Uhhhh. Can I have some red vines, and what do you want (to wife).” “I’ll have some Dots and um…a medium…um…can I get three quarters Diet Pepsi one quarter Diet Dr. Pepper?” YEAH YOU CAN, I’LL MAKE JOHN LYNCH’S WIFE ANY CRAZY DRINK SHE WANTS. “Yup. That it for you?” John Lynch says “Can I have a small Sierra Mist too?” “Yup.” So I get ‘em their snacks etc, then John Lynch hands me his silver AmEx, which I covertly inspect for his name. HOLY CRAP JOHN LYNCH DOESN’T HAVE A WALLET OR A MONEY CLIP, HE JUST WRAPS 20 DOLLAR BILLS AROUND HIS IMPORTANT CARDS. WHAT A GENIUS. Not a black card? Really? Oddly enough, the card reader doesn’t like his AmEx. So he gives me another one, which works fine. John Lynch is signing a credit card receipt. Whoa. John Lynch’s autograph. Should I ask him for one? No, I don’t want to be that guy. John Lynch walks away. HOLY CRAP JOHN LYNCH! Was I taller than John Lynch? That’s not possible…I think I was! I’m as tall as John Lynch, maybe taller!
He came back for a medium popcorn. The other guy working asked for his autograph.
So to recap, John Lynch likes Red Vines, Sierra Mist, medium popcorns, and John Krakauer novel adaptations. He also dislikes wallets and money clips. I’m roughly John Lynch’s height, though I’m not as ferocious a hitter.
By Gabe Stein | Thursday December 13th 2007, 12:59 pm
Got in some trouble recently with an obnoxious driver when I was trying to “be a responsible person taking a cab.” Now I can’t take cabs, but I still want to be responsible and not drive home after my frequent nights of drunken fun. That’s where you come in?
Qualifications:
-Responsible
-Valid Colorado driver’s license
-Know who Todd Sauerbrun is
-Don’t mind light physical abuse
-Turn off the stereo when told
-Comfortable working with criminals
Meet me outside the Cherry Cricket at 2am this Friday, bring resume. If I wake up at home instead of in a cell, you’ve got the job!
By Sam Handler | Monday December 10th 2007, 6:48 pm
Todd Sauerbrun was cited for “general assault” on Saturday and apparently spent some time in detox, which I find hilarious. Who else could it have been though? Try to name one player Broncos player more likely to be cited for “general assault.” Exactly. Wouldn’t you figure the more violent players to be more criminally inclined? Todd Sauerbrun and Sebastian Janikowski probably have a criminal kicker convention every offseason btw.
By Sam Handler | Wednesday December 05th 2007, 9:37 am
Travis Henry isn’t gonna be suspended for drug abuse next year, which is a definite positive. In reviewing this NFLPA story about his legal battles, it’s apparent that Henry got off the hook by attacking technicalities in the drug policy, rather than proving he didn’t do drugs. Basically, he’s being let go because an “expert of [his] choosing” wasn’t present at the initial, incriminating drug test. Apparently Henry also did an independent polygraph and hair test to prove he was innocent and gain Mike Shanahan’s support, but I’m not buying it. If the internet is to be believed, both of those tests can be beaten. Plus, look at how short Travis Henry’s hair is:
Just saying.
Relatedly:
Travis Henry played some nose guard in high school and was a Bills fan despite growing up in Florida. Nose guard? Really?
By Sam Handler | Friday November 02nd 2007, 12:29 pm
Jarvis Moss busted his leg in practice yesterday. Dude broke his leg, tore some ankle ligaments and is out for the season. Fuck. His rookie year wasn’t spectacular, finishing with 12 tackles and a sack in six games, but his injury will only sideline him for three to four months, so he’ll be able to work out for most of the offseason.
In related news, Rod Smith’s out for the year too. Balls.
On the plus side, the Nuggets are 1-0 and should win tonight against the Timberwolves. Randy Foye is out for a few weeks and won’t be playing this evening, and the Garnett-less T-Wolves are in a rebuilding mode.
So I’m sitting here in Boston waiting for the Rockies game to start, and I’m forced to watch the Patriots dominate the Dallas Cowboys. It occurs to me that they are absolutely ridiculous. They are so good that they’re not even fun to watch. Football is no longer fun to watch. Every other team in the league is playing for who will get to lose to the Patriots in either the AFC Championship game or the Superbowl. They’re sucking all the fun out of football, and by extension, life. They are, in a word, the antichrist of football; opponents of parity, excitement and everything else the modern sporting world stands for. We can only hope that an act of God will strike Tom Brady down before the apocalypse, or else I fear this world is doomed. Pray for this, people.
By Gabe Stein | Wednesday September 12th 2007, 9:29 am
So it turns out the Patriots cheated by planting video cameras to pick off the Jets’ defensive signals. Talk about performance enhancing! As one commenter put it in a previous DSZ post, “So now the glorious Pats are caught cheating? The moral equivalent of claiming you are the best at Madden after watching the other guy select his defense when preparing to call your plays.” Our thoughts exactly, uh, BradySmokesCahck.
So now the question becomes, will the NFL and the country have the guts to go Barry Bonds on these guys and place a mental asterisk next to their three superbowl wins and stop smothering them with media attention like a comforter on a cold Boston evening? No, because the national media is a bunch of spineless hacks who have spent the last five years jerking off to close-ups of Tom Brady. But don’t worry, because the DSZ has you covered. If baseball is any indication, the Patriots will have a lot of excusing (what?) to do, and it might look something like this:
10. Hey, what’s the big deal? We bought them over the counter.
9. That moron at Walmart told us they were Nintendo Wii’s!
8. Mark Sweeney gave them to us.
7. YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME, I’M BILL BELICHICK!
6. We were trying to get Tom Brady close-ups, accidently got Jets defensive signals.
5. They were out of iPhones.
4. It’s not like we needed to cheat to beat those losers.
3. YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME, I’M BILL BELICHICK!
2. At least we weren’t filming dog fights.
1. We have no excuse, we’re a bunch of cheating, lying, whining, evil bastards.
By Gabe Stein | Monday September 10th 2007, 6:58 pm
More compelling evidence that the Patriots are EVIL. If it turns out they did steal signals, I think it seriously compromises any claims about Belilichicken’s supposed football genious. Sam’s elegant words ring truer every day. Fuck the Patriots, man.
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Everyone at the Denver Sports Zone is a fan just like you. We delight in expressing our love for Ian Laperriere, re-enacting Jake's road rage incident, pretending we can play basketball like Carmelo, and screaming 'Chooooooo' from the upper deck. We also put our passion into producing the most original, entertaining and in-depth Denver sports coverage on the net, so you don't have to go anywhere else to get your fix. Welcome to the Zone.
