By Sam Handler | Wednesday October 24th 2007, 12:31 am
Okay, okay, okay. Crap. No, shit.Check it out. Check it the crap out: because I’m a so-phisticated man-o-learnin’ currently enrolled at a college, I have a mandatory session with one other student and my theater prof from 6:30 to 8:00 today. This means I’ll miss the first hour of game one. The only possible ameliorator is playoff baseball’s Cal Ripken-like streak of late start times. So yeah, please pray for me and a late start time.
And now the unrelated Simpsons clip you came here to see. God bless you, Nelson Muntz.
By Gabe Stein | Tuesday October 23rd 2007, 3:12 pm
Longtime readers and sports blog junkies might recall this business from last year. What you see there is that I contacted Jay Alves about MLB’s press pass policy. What you don’t see is that after I posted his reply e-mails, he responded with a rather testy and insulting e-mail that, surprisingly, did not even ask me to remove his e-mails. It was simply an angry rant.
Now, the nation gets to see the man’s true colors. For a PR guy, Alves has very little tact and even less charm. The plan to sell tickets exclusively online, whether his brainchild or not, was flawed to begin with. Everyone and their mother predicted it would crash Monday, and low and behold, it did. In steps Jay Alves, who first claimed that tickets were being sold just fine, and then admitted that for whatever reason, the ticket servers had been unable to handle the load of requests. Fair enough, but it quickly became clear that the Rockies didn’t have a backup plan in the event of a server failure - in fact, they didn’t even have a statement prepared. Instead, Jay quickly made up the excuse that evenue.net had been subject to a “malicious attack,” yelled at a few reporters who questioned the official story, and told fans to check back tomorrow.
The attack story was pitiful before Alves flatly refused to provide any details about it; that just made the excuse easier to see through. The truth is, there is no way Evenue’s servers were subject to any kind of attack. The Rockies said they recorded 8.5 million hits in 90 minutes, or about 1,574 hits per second. Your run-of-the-mill targeted denial of service attack floods servers with tens or hundreds of thousands of requests per second, not just over 1,000. Look at it this way: 8.5 million hits would reflect 1 million potential ticket buyers refreshing the now infamous countdown page 8 or 9 times in 90 minutes. Given that the page was set to re-load every 60 seconds, 8.5 million hits is not out of the question.
The bottom line: they should have been prepared, they weren’t, and they lied. Jay should have calmly approached the podium at 2pm Mountain and announced that they were having server problems but that they would open ticket sales at King Soopers locations for local buyers and via telephone for out-of-state customers. Instead, Alves concocted a completely transparent lie, snapped at reporters when they questioned him on it, and totally lost his cool. Had he been honest and calm about the situation, had he even pretended to be prepared, fans may have been willing to spare the organization a little grief.
As it is, frustration is boiling over in Denver. Regardless of how ticket sales actually went down on Tuesday, many fans will want to see Alves’ butt flying from a Rockpile flagpole if Coors Field is anything but jam packed with Rockies fans - not ticket brokers or New England residents - come Saturday. Personally, I don’t blame them.
By Gabe Stein | Monday October 22nd 2007, 10:15 am
Denver Sports Zone: Thanks for taking the time to answer some questions. Red Sox Fan: YEAH!!!!! RED SAWX AHR GONNA WIN SO HAHD CORE!!! ROCK-IES SUCK! DSZ: So, you’re predicting a Red Sox victory? In how many games? RSF: Sweep! Get out the brooms! Broom time, baby! DSZ: Even though the Rockies are the hottest team in baseball? RSF: Dude, I got some news for you. Everyone predicted us to win at the beginning of the season. No one thought the Rockies would be here. NO ONE! DSZ: So? It’s a prediction. RSF: Also dude, Dustin Pedroia. BOOM! DSZ: The Rockies also have a stud rookie infielder, his name – RSF: — Big Papi. Manny. Jonathan Papelbon. DSZ: Yes, I know you have players, but – RSF: — And let’s not forget, let’s not forget… DSZ: Please don’t yell ‘Youk.’ RSF: YYYYYYYYYYYYOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOUUUUUUUUUUUUUU
UUUUUUUKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. Ha ha, wicked! DSZ: I wasn’t going to play this card, but, what about when the Rockies won 2 of 3 at Fenway this year? RSF: I don’t recall. DSZ: Really? RSF: … DSZ: Really? RSF: I’m sorry, I gotta go get some chowdah. Seeya at the celebration. DSZ: What celebration? RSF: When the Sawx win the series!!!! DSZ: What are you talking about? I’m a Rockies fan? RSF: A what? DSZ: The team Boston’s playing? The Colorado Rockies? RSF: Oh. Screw you.
Rick in Santa Fe, you are a Higher Being of comedy. Take a look at this comment on Will Leitch’s Fair and Foul blog at the New York Times:
The humidor & the Higher Being have nothing to do with the unbelievable run that the Rockies are having [...] If the Guy Above is blessing the Rockies with their winning ways, then they’re going to be in the World Series. No doubt. Go Rockies! Perhaps the Higher Being can end the war too without installing a humidor in Iraq.
For the record, my comments on yet another article citing the Rockies’ supposed clubhouse faith policy:
The Christianity angle thing has got to stop. All the Rockies players have said that the report in USA Today was totally wrong, and none of them know how USA Today came to any of those conclusions. There’s no ban on Playboys, and the players have continually said that there is never a bible out in the open in he clubhouse. Jason Hirsch, a Jew, was questioned about this and said he has never felt any pressure or any religious tension in the clubhouse, but that it was the nicest and most accepting group of guys he had ever played with.
Rick, President Bush is wondering if he can use your humidor idea, so please call him back.
By Gabe Stein | Sunday October 14th 2007, 12:58 pm
Today would be a good day for sleeves. It’s going to be cold and wet, possibly even 35 degrees and snowing at gametime today. Welcome to October baseball in Colorado. I still envy the fans who get to go to this game, but the weather does make my exile to Boston slightly more bearable. I’ll drink a hot chocolate for you.
Also, like I said in a Purple Row thread, props to anyone who can predict the first national media member to use snow as an example of why we shouldn’t play baseball in Denver. I’m going for Ken Rosenthal, who turned in this fantastic line today:
If Red Sox-Indians disintegrates a seven-game slugfest, it will benefit the representative from the junior varsity — er, National League.
By Gabe Stein | Saturday October 13th 2007, 3:08 pm
Yes, I realize the Rockies have to win two more games against the Diamondbacks to advance to the World Series. The Red Sox have to win three. But Red Sox fans are already looking ahead to what seems to be the likely WS matchup, so I thought I would too. I go to school in Boston. My dorm is literally right across the street from Fenway. I can hear the crowd react to plays before the TV shows me, so I think I can pretty accurately say that they’re fucking terrified of the Colorado Rockies.
Here’s how I know. Last week it was, “oh, cool, the Rockies, what a surprise, mid-market team winning, lolz, how cute.” This week, in the traditional Boston fashion, everyone is being a total asshole about the Rockies. But you know what, it’s cool. I understand. If there was a chance my team had to face the Rockies in the World Series, I’d be scared shitless too.
If Tulo gets slid into, hit by a pitch, or otherwise jobbed by a D-Backs player in today’s game, I’m calling shenanigans. Last night, Troy had some words for Arizona rookie Justin Upton, who stared down Jeff Francis after being hit by a 77 MPH off-speed pitch, and rightly so. Justin, it’s the seventh inning of the first game of the NLCS, with Jeff “no emotion” Francis protecting a 4-run lead. He was not trying to hit you. All you’re going to do is work yourself up and get into trouble. Justin, you’re still fuming at first base, calm down. Justin, you’re staring at Kaz Matsui like you’re a bull and he’s wearing Sedona red. Justin, what kind of a slide was that? You just cost your team an out and a runner on third. I told you getting all emotional was a bad idea. And so on.
Point is, Troy, look out tonight. I trust the D-Backs (and their fans) about as far as I can throw a water bottle.
By Gabe Stein | Thursday October 11th 2007, 3:56 pm
Not much to say here, sitting expectantly on the edge of the eye of the storm. I guess there hasn’t been too much of a media blitz over the series, but that’s to be expected, because didn’t you know, this is the Real Actual Series for Third Place? It’s true. The AL is so much more talented than the NL, that even though the winner of the RASTP technically gets to play for the championship, they’re really just the league’s third-best, maybe even fifth-best team. But enough with these truisms, let’s talk about the NLCS, but only because I’m being forced to.
For once, the Rockies are favorites to win. This is a really scary prospect. The Rockies have not once played with any kind of favoritism in, oh, probably the last 12 years. Meanwhile, the Diamondbacks, like the Rockies, have thrived living in the shadows all season. Do I dare say that the Rockies being named favorites, actually favors the Diamondbacks? Will the fact that the Rockies are expected (underlined, italicized and bolded for added “holy shit!” value) to win put some kind of new pressure on these guys that they’ll be unable to cope with? Will I actually answer these rhetorical questions?
Yes. There are two ways to look at it. On the one hand, you could say this is just another form of adversity, and the team has done well in the face of it all season, and by the way they won 17 out of 18 and are the hottest thing next to the sun or haven’t you heard? On the other hand, the Rockies are favored to go to the World Series. This is so bizarre and wrong and “I think I see the Four Horsemen coming (shut up, Snake Pitters)” that the Rox might want to cancel batting practice in favor of a meditation session to get all the energy flowing like it was during the NLDS. If only we were Buddha’s team instead of Jesus’.
Maybe the Rockies can salvage some of their retreating underdogness by reading some of the ludicrous stuff being written about this series. They’re still only favored to lose the World Series to the dominant and much better force that comes out of the AL. In fact, if the media could convince the MLB, the Rockies and Diamondbacks would be declared co-losers of the NLCS. Unfortunately, they had to name someone as the favorite, and for once, it’s us. For once, let’s hope they’re right.
By Gabe Stein | Sunday October 07th 2007, 12:13 am
Turns out the bad vibes were caused by excessive sugar consumption. Candy corn, it gets you every time. More on the NLCS that the East Coast media can’t even wrap their minds around (well, I don’t know, I’ve never heard of these teams before) later. But here’s a hint: prepare for a lot more commentary on the developing “Eric Byrnes is always high” story. I’m really enjoying developing it.
By Gabe Stein | Saturday October 06th 2007, 12:55 pm
Look, I’m gonna be honest, I’m getting all the wrong vibes about tonight. Whereas the last few days there was a fundamental synergy to my actions, today (and last night) I’ve felt constant disorder, and of course that sinking feeling in my stomach. Now you’re thinking to yourself, why trust some kid’s admittedly random gut feeling? Well, last time I felt this way was before the first game against Arizona two weeks ago, and we all know how that game ended.
That said, the Rockies have been an utterly vibe-defying (not to mention odds-defying) team this year, so hopefully that will continue tonight. On the plus side, my vibes also tell me that we’ll win this thing with Mark Redman no problem. Unfortunately, that isn’t comforting at all. Well, let’s hope they prove me wrong tonight.
Fun Facts: Bad vibes were discovered in 1967 by a California high school student who later won the Nobel Prize in physics for his work.
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