Top Ten Patriots Excuses

So it turns out the Patriots cheated by planting video cameras to pick off the Jets’ defensive signals. Talk about performance enhancing! As one commenter put it in a previous DSZ post, “So now the glorious Pats are caught cheating? The moral equivalent of claiming you are the best at Madden after watching the other guy select his defense when preparing to call your plays.” Our thoughts exactly, uh, BradySmokesCahck.

(Image from touchdown.org, story at ColdHardFootballFacts.com)

So now the question becomes, will the NFL and the country have the guts to go Barry Bonds on these guys and place a mental asterisk next to their three superbowl wins and stop smothering them with media attention like a comforter on a cold Boston evening? No, because the national media is a bunch of spineless hacks who have spent the last five years jerking off to close-ups of Tom Brady. But don’t worry, because the DSZ has you covered. If baseball is any indication, the Patriots will have a lot of excusing (what?) to do, and it might look something like this:

10. Hey, what’s the big deal? We bought them over the counter.
9. That moron at Walmart told us they were Nintendo Wii’s!
8. Mark Sweeney gave them to us.
7. YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME, I’M BILL BELICHICK!
6. We were trying to get Tom Brady close-ups, accidently got Jets defensive signals.
5. They were out of iPhones.
4. It’s not like we needed to cheat to beat those losers.
3. YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME, I’M BILL BELICHICK!
2. At least we weren’t filming dog fights.
1. We have no excuse, we’re a bunch of cheating, lying, whining, evil bastards.

Feel free to add your own in the comments.

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