By Gabe Stein | Thursday September 27th 2007, 11:50 pm
11 in a row and it all comes down to three games. Intense pressure. I think it’s some comfort knowing that Samuel L. is on our side. Say it Denver, say it with me.
LET’S GET THESE MOTHERFUCKING SNAKES BACK ON THEIR MOTHERFUCKING PLANE.
By Gabe Stein | Sunday September 23rd 2007, 5:42 pm
We’ve been saying it all year long. Eric Byrnes is definitely a stoner, and we’re pretty sure he often plays baseball high. The reason he crashes into walls all the time is that he’s playing impaired. Look at his eyes, look at his hair. Look at the way he approaches the ball, as if it’s likely to jump up and bite him at any moment. We know what he’s thinking when he throws the ball to the plate: “woh, what if I could get the runner out AND do a front flip?” Well, more evidence for our case in a recent SI article. The money quote:
Byrnes & Co. gave a rickshaw driver $100 to pedal to a Jack in the Box, procure $40 worth of burgers and return. Says Byrnes, “Hunger should never be denied.”
One word: Munchies.
For more Byrnesian exploits, see this article. We like the knee-high socks and sandals look, but we have to wonder: is this one of those ‘I’m better when I’m high’ deals, or does Byrnes think he’s so good that it doesn’t really matter what state of mind he’s in?
By Gabe Stein | Wednesday September 12th 2007, 9:29 am
So it turns out the Patriots cheated by planting video cameras to pick off the Jets’ defensive signals. Talk about performance enhancing! As one commenter put it in a previous DSZ post, “So now the glorious Pats are caught cheating? The moral equivalent of claiming you are the best at Madden after watching the other guy select his defense when preparing to call your plays.” Our thoughts exactly, uh, BradySmokesCahck.
So now the question becomes, will the NFL and the country have the guts to go Barry Bonds on these guys and place a mental asterisk next to their three superbowl wins and stop smothering them with media attention like a comforter on a cold Boston evening? No, because the national media is a bunch of spineless hacks who have spent the last five years jerking off to close-ups of Tom Brady. But don’t worry, because the DSZ has you covered. If baseball is any indication, the Patriots will have a lot of excusing (what?) to do, and it might look something like this:
10. Hey, what’s the big deal? We bought them over the counter.
9. That moron at Walmart told us they were Nintendo Wii’s!
8. Mark Sweeney gave them to us.
7. YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME, I’M BILL BELICHICK!
6. We were trying to get Tom Brady close-ups, accidently got Jets defensive signals.
5. They were out of iPhones.
4. It’s not like we needed to cheat to beat those losers.
3. YOU CAN’T TOUCH ME, I’M BILL BELICHICK!
2. At least we weren’t filming dog fights.
1. We have no excuse, we’re a bunch of cheating, lying, whining, evil bastards.
By Gabe Stein | Monday September 10th 2007, 6:58 pm
More compelling evidence that the Patriots are EVIL. If it turns out they did steal signals, I think it seriously compromises any claims about Belilichicken’s supposed football genious. Sam’s elegant words ring truer every day. Fuck the Patriots, man.
About DSZ
Everyone at the Denver Sports Zone is a fan just like you. We delight in expressing our love for Ian Laperriere, re-enacting Jake's road rage incident, pretending we can play basketball like Carmelo, and screaming 'Chooooooo' from the upper deck. We also put our passion into producing the most original, entertaining and in-depth Denver sports coverage on the net, so you don't have to go anywhere else to get your fix. Welcome to the Zone.
